Short Funny Naughty Jokes

So you like some short and naughty jokes? If you want to learn more about pokemons and omelettes you've come to the right place.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, I deduce that you have put on your winter underwear.
Dr Watson: That's amazing, Holmes, how did you know?
Sherlock Holmes: It's elementary, my dear Watson. You've forgotten to put on your trousers.

Who told the wolf to f*** himself?
Little Rude Riding Hood.

How do you know if a river is deep?
If you cannot see your bottom, then it should be pretty deep.

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
To catch her false teeth.

Where can you always find a helping hand?
At the end of your arm.

The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a woman come running out of the house carrying some plastic bags.
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
"No lady," replied one of the garbage men. "Jump right in!"

Did you hear about the stupid lantern post?
Yes, it was so dim!

Why was the computer so tired when it got home?
Because it had a hard drive.

What side of an apple is the left side?
The side that hasn't been eaten.

What is the difference between an oak tree and a tight boot?
One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

What did the piece of wood say to the drill?
You bore me.

What did one wall say to the other wall?
Meet you at the corner.

What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point.

What did the big hand of the clock say to the little hand?
Got a minute?

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go ahead and I'll hang around.

A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that?
The crack of dawn.

What has a bottom at the top?
A leg.

What did the ear hear?
Only the nose knows.

Which candle burns longer, a yellow one or a red one?
Neither. They both burn shorter.

What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we will go places.

Why did the one-handed pirate cross the road?
He wanted to get to the second-hand shop.

Sign at the advertisement board: Guitar for sale, cheap, no strings attached.

What starts with an "E", ends with and "E" and only has one letter in it?
An envelope.

Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
At a Jungle Sale.

What have the scientists of the eighteenth century got in common?
They are all dead.

What did the magician use to be able to see through the wall?
A window.

When is a blue book not blue book anymore?
When it is read.

What has many rings but no fingers?
A telephone.

Why is perfume obedient?
Because it goes wherever it is scent.

What do all the Smiths in the phone book have in common?
They all got phones.

Why was the beekeeper's hair sticky?
Because he used a honeycomb.

After 25 years of uninterrupted broadcasting, the favourite soap opera on both sides of Atlantic changes its name to "The Bald and The Beautiful".

Lady: I would like a pair of crocodile shoes.
Shop assistant: What size is your crocodile?

What did the picture say to the wall?
I've got you covered.

If you notice this notice, you may have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.

What is sold by the yard and worn by the foot?
A carpet.

What made the inventor of the matchstick so pleased?
It was a striking success.

A young boy was helping his dad with DIY jobs around the house.
"You know, son," said the father, "you're just like lightning with that hammer."
"Fast, eh?" the boy asked.
"No, you never strike in the same place twice."

Keep smiling - it makes other people wonder what in the world you're up to.

How many apples can you put into an empty box?
One. After that the box isn't empty anymore.

James: You must have paid the earth for that.
Anne: Oh, do you think it looks expensive?
James: No, dirt cheap.

Little Fanny: Mummy, why are your hands so soft?
Mummy: Because I always use new Fairy with the improved formula for my washing up.
Little Fanny: But why does that make your hands soft?
Mummy: Because the money new Fairy with the improved formula pays me for this commercial has bought me an automatic Bosh dishwasher.

How do you get 50 Pikachus on a Mini Cooper?
Poke-em-on!

What is flat, yellow and travels round the kitchen at speeds of 1000 miles per hour?
It is an UFO - Unidentified Flying Omelette.

Betty: I got a shirt for my husband.
Dotty: Oh, you're lucky. I wish I could make a swap like that.

John: I used to snore so loudly I'd wake myself up.
Billy Bob: What did you do, then?
John: I moved into the next room.

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Short and naughty jokes about pokemons, omelettes and other wacky stuff.
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