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Funny Short Cooking Jokes

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Customer: I'd like to order a piece of steak as tough as old boot leather, some peas as hard as bullets and a helping of greasy chips.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, but we couldn't possibly serve you anything like that.
Customer: Why not? That's exactly what you gave me yesterday.

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?
No, but in the pub next door I once saw a man eating chicken.

Waiter, this fish isn't as good as the one I had last week.
That's odd, sir. It's the same fish.

Waiter, how do you serve mussels here?
From the left side, Sir.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a caterpillar?
Drumsticks for everyone!

What did the man say after he was given a bowl of vegetable soup?
Who did pea in my soup?

Who makes suits and eats spinach?
Popeye the Tailorman.

Waiter, this pancake tastes awful!
That's because you've just eaten the paper plate, sir.

Are you a vegetarian because you love animals?
No, because I don't like plants.

Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
About eight inches, sir!

Customer: A pork chop, please and make it lean.
Waiter: Certainly, sir, which way?

Garcon, there's a smelly film on my soup!
What do you want for fifty pence, "The Sound of Music", eh?

Waiter, you've got your thumb on my steak!
Well, sir, I don't want to drop in again.

Waiter, there is no chicken in this chicken pie.
Well, would you expect to find dogs in a hot-dog?

Which room has no door, no windows, no floor and no roof?
A mushroom.

"What is the secret of living to the age of 100?" the reporter asked the elderly man.
"Slugs and worms!" replied the man.
"Yeah, I've never eaten any slugs and worms in my entire life!"

Pupil: "Are slugs tasty, madam?"
Teacher: "Keep quiet during the lunch and behave!" After the lunch. "Now, dear, what was your question about slugs?"
Pupil: "Never mind, madam. There was one in your salad, but you've eaten it."

1st Cannibal: "Am I late for supper?"
2nd Cannibal: "Yes, sorry, mate - everyone's eaten."

Where do you wash your dishes after having fish and chips?
In the kitchen-stink.

What is a cannibal's favourite soup?
One with a lot of body.

"I wish I liked your sister," said a cannibal to a friend at dinner.
"Don't worry about it," said the second cannibal. "Just eat the potatoes and sauce."

Tramp: Would you give me 30 pence for a pie, lady?
Lady: I don't know. I would have to see the pie first.

What cheese is made backwards?

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night.
"There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning."
"Whom shall I call," her husband asked, "Police or ambulance?"

Jodie went into a Westend cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream covered with chocolate and nuts.
"Would you like a cherry on the top?" asked the waitress.
"No, thanks," said Jodie, "I'm on a diet."

Two cannibals were having dinner.
"Your wife makes a great soup," said one cannibal to the other.
"Yes," agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her badly."

I've just swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I am serious!

How do you mend a pizza?
With tomato paste.

"Those raisin pasties you sold me yesterday had three cockroaches in them," a customer complained to the baker.
"Oh, my! If you bring the cockroaches back, I'll exchange them for three raisins," replied the baker.

Garcon, I am in a hurry, will my pizza be long?
No, it will be round.

What is the difference between pea soup and roast chicken?
Anyone can roast chicken but not everyone can pee soup.

"Garcon, my fish is bad," complained the customer.
"Naughty, naughty, naughty!" said the garcon smacking the fish against the table.

Waiter, what do you call this pee in my cup: coffee or tea?
How does it smell, Sir?
It smells like paraffin.
It is tea, then, Sir. Our coffee smells like paint-stripper.

What did the banana sitting in the sun say to the other banana sitting in the sun?
I don't know about you but I'm starting to peel.

What do Martians use to cook their dinner?
Frying saucers.

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.

Waiter, I'd like some fish, please!
Hang on, Sir. I'll lay a plaice by the window for you.

What would you call a mischievous egg?
A practical yolker.

What is yellow, brown and hairy?
Cheese on toast dropped on the carpet.

"Do you say your prayers before meals?" the pope Benedict asked a little boy.
"Not any more. My mom's cooking has improved."

What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.

A pilot flying over the Amazon jungle ran out of petrol and decided to catapult out of the damn machine. So he jumped, the parachute opened and he drifted gently towards land.
Alas, he landed right in a large cooking pot, which the tribal chief was simmering over a fire. The chief looked at him bedazzled, rubbed his eyes and asked:
"Waiter, what is this flyer doing in my soup?"

How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down the hill.

What do cannibals eat at the cocktail parties?

Waiter, do you have frogs legs?
No, sir, I've always walked like this.

"Shall I bring your dinner on deck?" asked the steward onto a ship passenger.
"No, just throw it overboard to save time."

Why did the woman take a heap of oats to bed?
To feed her nightmare.

Customer: A sirloin steak, please.
Waiter: Would you like anything with it?
Customer: If it is anything like the last one I had there you'd better bring me a hammer and chisel.

Where do bakers keep their dough?
In the bank.

Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
Because he could not find a date.

How much are these eggs?
Ten pence each. The cracked ones are five pence.
Very well, then - crack me half a dozen, please.

What did the cannibal have for breakfast?
Baked beings.

Do you serve women in this bar?
No, sir, you have to bring your own.

Do you serve crabs in this restaurant?
Yes sir, we serve anyone.

A lady was buying a turkey but she wasn't pleased with the one the butcher offered her.
"It's not big enough," she complained.
The butcher knew that it was his last turkey but he pretended he would go and have a look in the cold storage. What he actually did was to stretch the turkey's legs apart and put it in a bigger box.
"Oh, that's a good size," said the lady, when the butcher showed it to her. "I'll take them both."

Why should you never tell secrets in a greengrocers?
Because the corn has ears, potatoes have eyes and beanstalk.

There was this man in the restaurant and he said onto the waiter: Listen, boy, bring me a Chardonnay wine, and I would like it in an ice bucket please.
And the waiter replied: Certainly not sir! This is a respectable restaurant and I must insist you drink from a glass.

Tramp: The lady next door gave me a piece of home-made pie. Will you give me something too?
Lady: I think I'd better give you an indigestion tablet.

Waiter, this apple pie is squashed.
Well, you told me to step on it because you were in a hurry.

Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
He couldn't concentrate.

What did orange squash say to the water?
I'm diluted to meet you.

Miss, this egg is bad.
Don't blame me, sir, I only laid the table.


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