Doctor Jokes - Medical Humour

Oh, how sick should you be to read these doctor jokes! Perhaps you need some treatment?

Why did the man swallow a handful of coins?
Because he had been having constipation for a week and he wanted to poo for a change.

"The trouble is," said Britney Spears to the psychiatrist, "that I can't sing; I can't dance; I can't act, I can't play an instrument and I can't tell funny jokes or do anything."
"Then why don't you give up show business?"
"I can't - I am a superstar."

Doctor, I think I am a video.
I thought I had seen you before.

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
His drill slipped.

How does a nurse know if it would be a busy day?
She looks up to see if it is raining cots and docs.

Doctor, what should I do? I have split my sides laughing.
Run until you get a stitch.

Have you heard the saying that an apple a day could keep the doctor away? Well, it works. I took an apple and hit the bustard right between the eyes. Now he keeps away from our street.

Doctor, people keep disagreeing with me.
No they don't.

Doctor, I keep stealing things. What should I do?
Try to resist the temptations, but... it would be nice if you could get me a new television and a golden ring for my wife.

Doctor, what can you give me for my liver?
I've got some eggs and sauce in the fridge.

Nurse, will you treat me?
Yes sure, which chocolate do you prefer?

I keep snoring so loudly that I wake myself up in the night.
Try sleeping in another room.

Doctor, I keep thinking I am a joke.
Don't make me laugh.

Doctor, why do I smell like custard?
You don't. You are just being thick.

Why do surgeons wear masks?
So that their patients didn't know who performed the operation... just in case they make a mistake.

Whom did doctor DoLittle marry?
Jane EarnMuch.

Which is doctor Doughlittle's favourite pastry?
A small croissant.

Doctor, do you remember three months ago you told me to stay away from dampness until my rheumatism was better? Well, it is better. Can I have a bath now?

Doctor, what can I do about my bad smelly breath?
Stop breathing, patient!

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Doctor, I keep thinking I am a 10 pound bill.
Go shopping, the change will do you good.

Doctor, everyone thinks I am a liar.
I don't believe you.

"I am very worried about my son's nail biting habit!"
"Why? Nail biting is very common in young kids."
"What? Nine inch nails? Rusty ones?"

Nurse, can you help me out?
Yes sure, sir, which way did you come in?

Doctor, my eyesight is getting worse.
You're absolutely right, this is a Post Office.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
A garlic a day keeps the whole world at bay.

Take Tic-Tac for bad breath. Chew a lemon peel for good breath.

Doctor, I am so ugly. What can I do about it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties or sing at funerals.

My son has just received a scholarship to medical school - but they do not want him while he is alive.

Patient: I keep thinking I'm a goat.
Doctor: Oh really? And how long have you had this feeling?
Patient: Ever since I was a kid.

Doc, my hair is falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Yes, here is a paper bag.

Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Sit down and I shall deal with you later.

The first thirty minutes I'm up every morning I feel dizzy, what should I do?
Get up half an hour later.

Doctor, I keep seeing double.
Take a seat, please.
Which one?

What does this X-Ray of my head show?
Unfortunately nothing, sir!

Lady: Doctor, this new diet you've put me on makes me very irritable. The other day I got so angry with a shop assistant that I bit his ear off.
Doctor: Well, don't worry. It is only about 100 calories.

Oh, doctor, I keep feeling like a set of curtains.
Patient, pull yourself together.

Doctor: Did you drink your medicine after your bath, dear?
Lady: No, doctor. By the time I had drunk my bath there wasn't room for medicine.

Man: Will I be able to read when I get my glasses?
Doctor: Of course you will, sir.
Man: Oh good, I didn't know how to before. I've been suffering from dyslexia.

Bookmark these jokes	Send these jokes to your fiend
If you enjoyed these jokes, you may also like: Egyptian Jokes Criminal Jokes Sport Jokes		Drop me a line!
	RSS Feed & be the first to get amused!
	Claim your free newsletter:

Did you like my jokes? Donate dosh so that I can buy more Ho's and Booze!